Witty Sayings in 2024

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon

You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.

I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. 

All power corrupts, but we need electricity.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out.